Stacy vs. The Volcano

Remember the movie "Joe versus The Volcano" with Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan when Tom was diangosed with a Brain Cloud and shipped off to jump into a volcano? If not, you should rent it - it's funny....
....Anyway....
I went up Volcano Cosiguina with Mom and Dad in January of 2007. We took Luis Rafael's UniMog and hiked a short distance up to the top. No biggie - it was sort of easy! So, when a group of Canadian Volcanologists (yes, they were volcanologists - I checked their ears - pointy!) came to the hotel and were heading up I said to myself, "Sure! Why not! It'll be FUN!" They make me take 3 liters of water which weighed about 300 pounds (I would have taken only 2, which would have weighed only about 1 pound, but that extra liter adds a LOT.) So we pile into their little clown car (imagine 4 big people with big shoes and 900 pounds of water in a little car) and drive the one hour to the base of the volcano. I swear, these are the WORST roads, worse than the Worse Roads Known to Humankind.) I really shouldn't even call it a road, it's more like a cow path with overgrown trees, zero visibility, vicious blood-sucking trees, mosquitos the size of your head and buzzing pterodactyl-sized bees. Add hidden rocks, pointy tire-piercing thingies and your mental image is developing along nicely. Bumpy bump along - one hour - and then hike the 2 hours up a volcano. Just another day in Paradise! Everything is going pretty smoothly, craving a cigarette and a vodka smoothie, but realize I would probably just spill all over myself (I used to jog but the ice kept falling out of my glass...now I only run when chased.) So, we get to the top, nice view, yadda yadda. Eat some Doritos (they brought DORITOS! It took every ounce of energy for me not to grab the big bag and run down the volcano giggling like a maniac and shoving those salty triangles into my face - they'd find me at the bottom with orange fingers, drooling and begging for my 299 pounds of water....) So, I just sit quietly and look intently into the green water down inside the crator in a somber and thinky way sucking dorito sludge out of my finger nails. Strangely satisfying.
"We want to go around the perimeter and analyze ash deposits, maybe we'll find some carbonized wood that will shed light on volcanic activity prior to 1835" says Volcan No. 1. I nod knowingly, imagining him as a big vodka smoothie with crunched up bits of Dorito mixed in. So we head off toward Research Site No. 2. As if my mental state wasn't deterioriating by the minute, upon arriving at R.S.No.2, I decide to pick a pretty little plant tucked in just a few inches from the ledge of the volcano...for my mom, for her birthday. So, I scudge close to the rim on my belly, put both my hands on the rim and CRASH! Both arms fall through, my back legs kick up, and I am slipping into the volcano. I am serious here, kids, I almost fell into the volcano. Both knees bleeding, elbows totally filled with ash, I'm having flashbacks to the 4th of July at the rocks, imagining just how bad this could have been. I get pulled up, and the report was that I had a look on my face like, "I didn't do it! I didn't break the volcano rim!" But what I was really thinking was whether or not the Dorito sludge stuck in my fingernails would still be as tasty if it was mixed with volcanic ash and pebbles. Volcan No. 2 wants to go to Research Point No. 3, the tippy tip of the volcanic ridge, and I just know my head will explode, so I put my pack on the ground and try to take a nap. That's not really working. You know when your dog or cat has a little wound and those creepy little black bugs flit all over the cut....well, that happens to humans, too. So now I'm really creeped out, I'm alone at R.P.No. 2 while the Volcans are off doing whatever Volcans do at the top of a Volcano. Upon returning, I smile sweetly, now imagining each of them as a different colored smoothie, and we head down. Low and behold, it starts raining when we get back on the road, and it is incredible how fast this water can move! Here, we don't really have roads, but rather rivers that only flow when it rains, making it LOOK like a road, but it's really a dried river bed. Until it rains. And then it's a river....like it is while we're driving back, in the clown car, and my battered knees and elbows singing to me in a quiet but persistent way. At least I made it to the top!
BTW, 1 week later, I did the same trip with 2 clients from NYC (great time, guys!) and I'm sure that they can vouch for 1. the roads, 2. the evidence of me breaking through the ridge and 3. my love of Doritos. I think I'll name my next piglet Dorito. Choncho Dorito. Nice.