I Grew 4 Inches Taller in 7 Days!

Coquetta says, "This was found in the bowels of Mechapa Mama's post and I thought it was AWFUL - but funny. So here's a redux of this one.... Enjoy, if you can!" Dear Readers: Mechapa Mama has gone off the deep end...we all saw it coming - be honest. So a Reader's Advisory in in order. Here it is:
Do not read the following unless you are in a good mood, are wearing some sort of natural fabric, have ordered take-home food in the past 124 hours - or eaten in a restaurant - have watched TV, read a paper, thought a negative thought, or a positive one, paid a bill, stepped in poo, or talked to a animal that didn't talk back.
If, indeed, you qualify, read on Loyal Reader....

Vain, self-centered, egotistical, megalomaniac, it's all about me - I am. Here's a few tips for the traveller from the Mechapa Mama. Take it to heart, people, the Mama is serious(ly deranged):
1. ALWAYS FLY FIRST CLASS. All of those little people in Coach know Nothing. They can't even fathom the depth of success that the the 1%'ers know of first hand. Fergit paying for drinks...I want to slam one down even BEFORE the plane takes off. Then...I want the Air Bartender to serve me more and more and more as we rocket through space and time. I may even mix it up - wine, then booze, then a digestif, then wine again. Why not? People of my stature don't suffer hangovers, for chrissakes ... We sleep through them!
2. ALWAYS VISIT THE CAPTAIN'S CLUB. Here, they give you chips and cheese and all the liquor you can pour through your gullet...FREE! Plus, in Houston, they have a theatre (that's how the rich peeps spell it, silly) and little wifi rooms and newspapers and workers in snappy blue uniforms who say "Ma'am" and "Sir" with wild abandon. Sure, you have to prove your worthiness before entering the divine sanctity of the Club, but if you pass muster - you're as good as a cooked goose before the Air Bartenders even get to you. Coffee and Baily's is a good option in circumstances such as these.
3. NEVER DRIVE. Under no circumstances should you drive. EVER. Enlist your little brother, your father, your mother's neighbor...whatever it takes to avoid sitting in the driver position. You are made for loftier stuff, and you probably don't have a driver's license so why risk having your Mom's 2001 Buick LeSabre confiscated? Plus, you will have the added bonus of bringing along a "TOGO."
4. ALWAYS PAY CASH. The Man is always watching, so never pay with a credit card or show ID. Cash is King, and Elvis Rules.
5. BE GREATFUL. Not a mispelt (mispealt, misspelled, written wrong..you get it.) Darn those words again!
6. ALWAYS EAT EVERYTHING. Even if it makes you sick and full and fully sick. Life is long, you'll lose the weight when the post-1st-class-travel buzz subsides.
7. FASHION COUNTS. Wear the Pashimi, the fake Coach bag, the borrowed jewelry, and flash your fabulous Whitney Houston Teeth (pre-crack cocaine and Bobby Brown times) whenever possible. No one will laugh at your horse teeth unless you let them. Plus, you will feel 4 inches taller and consider changing your name to "Giselle."
With luck, this will help you navigate what has previously been a traumatic and devastating experience whilst travelling abroad. For now, I'm trying to lose the 14 pounds I put on in 2 short weeks and learning how to say words that start with "W".